All this blog talk about long distance relationships has me thinking lately about Seb and me and how we've seen our share of being separated over the years.
I have often wondered why Seb and I always have to be apart. It does seem to be a quirk in our relationship that we can't explain. After all we love each other. We want to be together, but somehow we always find ourselves running two ships, full-steam ahead in opposite directions. It's always because of circumstances: life, travel, study, but usually it's because of career and jobs. When they pop up I can't help but feel like these circumstances are cluttering our life and should simply be kicked aside, but in each instance the circumstances are so real that we aren't left with many choices but to carry on. We just have to march like little soldiers in the direction life leads us. We have to be obedient and wait out the war even if it means we have to do it separately through gritted teeth.
It all started with our first meeting. There we were two lovers stranded on opposite sides of the ocean. I came to France and went and came and went a hundred times. And then he came and got me and I came back and stayed. You'd think that would have been the end of the story but it was just the beginning of a long series of goodbyes.
He started his advanced studies and it was difficult for me, an étrangére to find a job in such a nowhere, small university town, so I moved two hours away for work. He came to see me, his newlywed wife on the weekends. This went on for a year, always having to say a quick goodbye on Sunday afternoons after lunch when I would drop him at the Nouvelle Gallerie in town for his ride back home to the dorm.
And then he finished school and found work in the North, and I joined him two weeks later after our things were packed and shipped. We saw each other every night for almost two years, a luxury. He worked a lot and so did I but it was like being a normal couple for a little while.
And then he found another job in the Alps and I had a work contract, couldn't quit it. It took three months before I could join him. He couldn't be sure of staying until his période d'essaie was up and I needed to stay behind to wait. We saw each other briefly on the weekends after an exhausting six hour train ride each way. It would all be okay soon. We'd have our home and life would return to normal.
And now today, the latest circumstance is Seb's new job in Lyon. We can't sell our house, we're bound to it. We don't want to rent it, couldn't since it's unfinished. Our hopes are pinned on him finding work in this area again, but for now he lives in Lyon all week and baby and I are here. We have the same old routine, the weekend visits, except now it feels different. It feels like our family is apart, because there's Baby S and we are now a family. There's also our home which we own and love and have laboured over, and if that's not what makes a family I don't know what does. That's what makes circumstances harder this time.
I know we can rebuild our home in Lyon, and maybe we should. I know a family isn't just a house and an address, but it's who you are to each other and what you experience together. But something tells me we have to stop all this. This merry-go-round needs to slow down,...no, it needs to stop point blank, and we need to plant our feet somewhere, and that somewhere should be here, being that it's as good a place as anywhere, being that it's where we've started planting our feet for the first time ever.
I've noticed something. I've noticed that no matter where we pick up and go for job reasons or studying or whatever, the merry-go-round will never stop. It doesn't want to just stop. We have to make it stop. Is it even possible? Maybe I just have to hold firm this time and keep our little family here and refuse to let it all start up again. I'm actually really afraid to let it all start up again, otherwise where will we be in ten more years? But maybe by refusing I'm resisting change and not living in the real world. The real world is what? Job markets today are such that you can't just grow up and work in the same small town your whole life. You have to ebb and flow with the economy and change with it. You haven't got a choice.
At least that's the assvice we keep hearing.
Can I just refuse? Can I just get off and rest and wait for Seb to get off too? Maybe it will all work out if we just stop a moment and catch our breath. I really think we both need to catch our breath, sit back and enjoy our surroundings.
14 comments:
Great post. I wish I had some wise thing to tell you, but I don't. But I will say that I can relate, and not just to the long-distance part.
Very insightful post--deeeeap thoughts for both of us lately!
IMHO: You have to go with the flow, if you fight it, it will be like swimming upstream. I hope that there is a nice compromise on the horizon coming your way via destiny's orders. As long as you tell Seb what you want and need, you can both work towards your goals. Positive thinking and the universe will provide.
Maybe there is a mason who would like to Sublet your house and work on it in exchange? Go downstairs and ask him ;)
If you can afford it why not? Sure a great job is stimulating and moving up the ladder is what we are told to do as the best thing...
Though, if you can live comfortably on less and live in a place that you love and somewhere you feel home...can moving up the ladder guarantee that in the end?
Somewhere we must balance the heart and mind, the home and work, the goals of tomorrow and the living of today.
We had to move 8 times in ten years, mostly for my husband's job. That's it, I am not doing it again. I am staying put. I would be ready to do the weekend thing, easy for me to say, as we've never done it...yet.
Meredith funnily enough Seb works with lots of people who have been doing this living apart thing for years. It just becomes a habit I guess. I find that very scary. I suppose that the alternative is to transplant your family all over the place each time you change jobs, so I guess maybe it's the lesser of the two evils. In my husband's line of work the average person stays three years in a company so I don't see the situation getting any better! That's probably why so many couples have come to accept this solution.
You seem to fair much better than I do when it comes to being apart. I can't imagine being so close, yet so far, every week.
Maybe rebuilding in Lyon isn't such a bad idea. I am sure that the time apart is difficult mentally and emotionally on both of you, not to mention missing out on family time together.
I hope that you and your husband can come to some kind of resolution for this situation. It would be so much better for you both (and your child) in the long run.
Best of luck to you!
Boy such a dilemna! Wouldn't it be great to be able to peak into the future with both scenarios and see which worked the best? To plant your feet firmly, or go witht he ebb and flow? ayyayay..
If I had to give my opinion, hmm, thats really hard, I'm trying to recall different example of this situations with clients and what I remember has worked for them...and the thing is, it can work both ways, you have to just sit down and decide together what will be the best for all 3 of you. I guess I've seen it work the most when the whole family has made the decision together...i'm sorry, I fell like that is pretty crappy advice :o(
I'm sorry you have to be apart so often, I know it is the worst thing in the world, especially with a little one, especially when that little one does something really funny, and his papa is not there :o(
take care!
kim
I think different people would handle this situation differently.
Some couples will find this no problem and get along with their lives during the weekend and coming together at the weekend.
Some people would find the separation unbearable.
It's difficult for you as you’re at home with a baby and that can be quite isolating whilst your husband is busy working all week. On top of that your a foreigner, it's not as if you have a Mum, sister or cousins that you can pop round and see.
My husband used to go away really a lot and at the beginning I didn’t mind but as the months went by I found this harder and harder to handle. The worst thing was that when he was home I was a real bit** to him, I’ve no idea why ! Leon by then was of an age to notice and say how sad he was to not have Papa around all the time.
My husband still works for the same company but goes away very little and I actually prefer this.
I think perhaps when your son gets to an age when he can say the same thing maybe a decision will be made by your husband because he’ll be (your husband i mean) be missing out on a lot.
For me there is nothing more important than being together, but at the same time it doesn't pay the bills !
Oh wow - that is a drag to change jobs. I do hope the future treats you better!
Hey misschrisc - if you live on the lake, wow! Incredible as I'm sure I've biked your way on my way to Evian (although I now know that Yvoire is much more beautiful!) And you must live near St. Gingolf. Ah it's a lovely area.
I have my husband programed into my phone as "home", I know that as cheesy as it may sound and as non-womans libber...wherever he is, I'm home. I can't imagine a daily life without him in it. It seems like living seperate lives during the week and trying to be superheros to each other on the weekends leaves you each to grow apart and for me, I imagine that it would be harder to take each other for granted but it could also make it easier. Who knows of such things? Some wise woman with a long successful marriage and an independent personality? You'll find the answer which is best for you but you are the one who can effect the change.
Expat T - I'm a little past Evian actually. I love the view from the Swiss side looking over here. Montreaux is a great town. Lucky you (were).
One happy gal - Actually I love that idea of having your husband programmed as "home." We talk on the phone at least two times a day and we're very close even though we've been apart a lot over the years. I guess I was trying to say that we are realizing that sacrifices are in order to make this all change, but sacrifices of career and not family. We didn't realize that as much six months ago when I wrote a (past) post about his considering this new job. We didn't see all the repurcutions of yet another move, especially with a little one involved.
France is a relatively small country with a burgoning industrial growth problem and this is why we keep getting shuffled, keep having to move. Doors slowly closing, not slamming really but creaking shut, right and left, and others opening but here and there and scattered about the country. We've been living with that for awhile. I guess the US has the same problems but the opportunities for creating new enterprise and following a new career path are more abundant, at least from what I recall (things may have changed there too!). Anyway thanks for giving me your input. I enjoyed reading it.
I see so much of this in my job - so many of my students live apart from their families, and as I mainly teach men, it's them who are away from home. They take little studio apartments near their office and then on Fridays drive 2 to 3 hours to get home...they seem happy but then they're the ones who have a busy job and advancing career..I wonder how their wives feel, stuck at home with the kids. For me, I'd love this way of life. I'm not comfortable living with someone - I get terribly stifled so I reckon a weekend marriage would be ideal...but
I know people who have done this all their lives and when the husband retires and finally comes home to live full-time, it's a big, big adjustment for him and his family and has caused divorce - after 30 years of marriage!
Life just gets more and more demanding and people are like little hamsters, scrabbling around on a wheel trying to keep going...it's a bit disheartening.
I hope you guys can find your way through this dilemma and reach a happy compromise - it must be hard for you.
As you and I both know, you are suffering from what I call an extreme case of French living (and God knows I love to gripe about it). I'm sure there's someone who knows someone in the US who has to travel 7-days a week, but this is a rare situation. I find that there is less vacation in the US, but the weekly family life is much more balanced. Here, it's literally sink or swim and you have to be a damn good swimmer to keep your head afloat in France.
I can only imagine how difficult it is with a baby. I'm just starting to find some friends, even if I resisted having any for the last 2 years! I loved being home with my baby for the first year. Now, he's 2-and-a-half. So the second year, it was very difficult. We mothers need each other, especially when our husbands are busy working.
I hear your pain...if you want to take a break and come visit the glorious city of Trappes 29-km from Paris, come on down! We have a guest room and running water - you can shower twice a day if you want to!
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