Isn't he amazing?

Most days I can be heard mumbling aloud "How on earth do people do this and make it look so easy? This is so hard!" I usually mumble this to myself because we are often alone. And very quickly another day passes and I start all over again the next day trying to make each thing fit and work and trying to muddle through temper tantrums and tumbles and food that is lovingly prepared but not eaten, and as if to add insult to it, fed to the begging cat underneath the highchair, the one I totally forgot to feed. I just don't know how to do this perfectly or patiently or without losing small drops of sanity. I don't know how to do it without going to the park and forgetting the cookies, or forgetting to change a yogurt splotched t-shirt before leaving, or without forgetting the vital essentials like diapers or those little wet wipes all mothers seem to remember to carry.

I've given myself a mental caning more times than I can say over my maternal shortcomings.

I took these pictures in Lyon earlier this week. Little S is thirsty and he can't reach the spigot with his face. He was trying to solve a problem and I thought at this moment, "my god he's so beautiful and so smart and he's all mine. I made this gorgeous creature who's standing right here in front of me. He's so full of life and energy!" I just felt so proud of him and so much admiration for who he's become. My little man.

He continued running around with only a few sips of water to satisfy his thirst. I'd forgotten to bring a bottle, again. And he still had the mark on his head from a spill off the neighbor's steps a few days earlier. Bad mommy forgot. Bad mommy didn't pay attention to the step.

But sometimes in rare moments like these all those bad mommy feeling go out the window and I feel like The Queen of the Maternal Universe who can beat the pants off of the best sahm* contender on the roster. I know he's going to be somebody and go places and not just follow the crowd but forge his own path. I know he'll do this because he's mine and that's what I'll give to him. He won't be content with accepting what he sees. He'll ask question and look for ways to change things that seem unchangeable. I know I he'll do this because of me and his father and the way we raise him.

That's only sometimes though. Most days it's just the opposite. Most days I'm left feeling inadequate; unwilling to believe I can give him much of anything. Often it's a job I can't believe I got hired for. I mean really, what on earth were they thinking?

*sahm=stay at home mom