Lately making any new friends has been really hard for me, an expat in this new country. I am completely horrified by the local expat friendship club here--large gatherings every Tuesday night where you have to mingle and laugh at all the appropriate cues, or at least that´s how my anti-social brain sees it. I´ve only been to one small event and that was extremely difficult for me. Sitting in a circle with the country club chit-chat and these stunningly sharp and witty women who have travelled the world and are charming and interesting...and then there´s
So since it is physically painful for me to make small talk I often ramble. I think in my ramblings I must blurt out things that other people filter quite well and in this I think I come across as conceited or maybe egotistical. I don´t really know. I am really confused by the label of snob that I ofen get slapped with . I am the all original United Colors babe, all about having friends based on their diversity and not to further my politics or my agenda. I´m just shy that's all.
I know you musn´t worry what others think. I mean it´s true that you can´t control what others think about you but at the same time isn´t it nice to be able to convey the message well of who you are and what you stand for. I often feel like my awkward nature is a severe handicap in my relations with people and I am constantly sending out the wrong message without even realizing it.
Forever the backwards teenage girl who just wants to be liked by interesting people...
16 comments:
Hey, I empathize. I'm often that backwards teenage girl, too. In university I used to wear huge, baggy sweatpants and a baseball cap to school so I could slip into the shadows. I've gotten a lot better since I started traveling because usually I ended up living with a crowd and couldn't avoid the interaction. Now it seems a lot more natural.
As for being 'charming and interesting' and traveling the world...umm...aren't you all of that or haven't you done all of that?
Funny you should say all this, most people think I'm the total opposite of what you describe - I can be a social butterfly, I love the expat life, making connections (tho not necessarily close friends) easily. But the reality is underneath it all I can be very shy and hesitant in those settings, and I *like* being alone. The expat life was great for me though, as I could mix in with other lost wanderers like myself. Being 'grounded' in the US is weird, because you don't have that common bond of 'otherness.'
Anyway, enough about me:) I just want to say that 1)nothing wrong about being who you are. The world needs all types. I often wish I was the quiet one myself... 2)You're likely a lot more interesting IRL than you think you are, and 90% of the people you meet are probably as hesitant and shy as yourself. Friendships are not so easy to create, and no doubt the ones you do are long-lasting and 3)I'm now even more convinced little S is completely normal. I know this post is about you, but giving this description of your own personality, it makes sense that S would have similar traits....(still think evaluation is a good thing, but your description of his behaviour is not unlike how you've described yourself)
Did something happen with the group of women there to trigger this post? Are you missing your friend Haley?
I am far more extroverted than you describe yourself, but everyone has trouble making friends in a new place, especially as adults. It usually takes me a good year to feel like I have a handful of new friends (and by handful, I mean 1 or 2 or MAYBE if I'm lucky 3) whom I really trust and enjoy.
I do love a good party! But real friends, the ones you call when you have a problem and the ones who call you for help are harder to find.
You might be an introvert, but you are clearly good friend material! It takes everyone awhile.
Well, I'm certainly glad we found each other. We have a lot in common in that respect.
I'm finding it hard to make close friends here too. I'm not as shy as I used to be and really have no shame about embarrassing myself. But I am finding it hard with my level of french to make close friendships. I really admire the way you've been able to pick up and start over so many times
:)
I have similar issues and I am NOT an expat. I can't imagine how tough it must living a new country.
Nichole - you never seem that shy to me. Anyway yes these women are amazing I guess in their social ease. I´m standing back admiring it wishing I could be so comfortable meeting new people.
Cherise - I´m not sure if your children can be conditioned to pick up on your personality traits. But yes maybe the fact that we don´t go to all the parties and events here (and there are a lot in the expat social circle as you probably well know!), maybe that gives us less opportunities to meet others.
I know I´m interesting that wasn´t at all what this post was about. I´m not insecure about who I am I´m just really bad about marketing myself and in fact truth be told I don´t even try all that hard because it´s a lot of work and I don´t really care. I am often bored at things like this because I don´t care about small talk, I´d rather be home doing things. I know deep down that´s awful and I think if I were a better conversationalist I´d enjoy these things more but as it is they leave me feeling trapped.
Jennifer - Nothing happened I guess I was just thinking about this because a friend left and it got me musing about how hard it is for me to connect with people and that part about sending out the snob message came up this year with someone and it really bugged me.
And I wanted to add that because I´m the weird anti-social type I attract the most interesting people to me! The socially gregarious types never get to meet the funny oddball types because they sort of tend to skim over them. But all the weird eccentric types or the people from interesting parts of the world (my Turkish friend) come into my world. It isn´t such a bad thing and I meet a lot of brainy types which is great. There are some advantages to being socially unskilled.
I think a large portion of personality is genetic. Some of it is learned by experience, but genes play a role too. That's why I'm not surprised your son shares your own personality traits. It would be odd if he didn't.
Though us gregarious types certainly find our share of weird eccentric friends as well. It helps to be weird and eccentric to start with :)
I know exactly where your coming from, you have put into words something that I go through all the time.
At the end of the day though I feel like I “should” de more friendly/outgoing less ‘sauvage’ than I am, because it’s normal to be like this. I go to social events and feel like I’m on the outside looking in and its relief when it’s all over.
But I can’t and at the end of the day make myself be the person that I’m not and am so much happier pottering through my life with husband and son at my side.
Cherise You can totally be weird and gregarious at the same time! There is that type too. I´m sure you´re weird (and yes that´s a compliment)!
Sorry I hope that didn´t come off wrong. I just meant that the odd fish usually isn´t in the center of the conversation so the chatty type, often surrounded by other chatty types doesn´t have time to get to know them. That´s where I come in. I´m definitely not in the chatty circle and I am always meeting that wallflower type who surprisingly IS very interesting. In high school it was always the type of guys who would talk to me, brainy science fair nerds but they were a lot more interesting than the jock type even if I was groaning "no not another one!"
About the personality traits I always get bugged by mil because when Little S does something she´ll say he does that because it comes from the-----side of the family. In my opinion (totally personal btw and based on a couple of reads that I couldn´t possibly quote from unless I dug out books) I think its environmental and not genetic. Like you can´t inherit your mother´s extrovert gene per se but maybe you´re slightly more extraverted as a result of her raising you. So mil always saying that drives me batty!
I adore reading your posts and am sorry you lost your friend for the time being. I have noticed though that small talk isn't always so small - there are gems to be found. I have found many. - Signed
A social introvert
You get what you give in life. And what comes around goes around. All I know is I can't wait to hear your comments about living in Paris. It's going to be hilarious!!
oh its tough to make friends at those 'women's clubs' especially when you're new and everybody seems to know everybody. i joined the book club for my women's club and found it to be much better than the bigger group. you might try that when you get back to france. - maureen
"Anon" your comment makes little sense. Ýour obsession with continuing to read my blog only to make fun of me is childish and shows your lack of class. Find another person in your little repetoire of "ex-friends-who-find-me superficial-and-bitchy" to pick on.
Maureen these ladies are super nice and friendly but I just tend to avoid the scene because it´s a little overwhelming. I had actually thought about starting a book club here if we´d stayed.
Maybe you should try not taking advantage of poor Mexicans and start living a cleaner life and you could make and keep some friends. People like you making money off of poor people turn my stomach!
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