And the cold lingers.
Everyone has this awful cold and it just stays and stays. Just when we seem to get better it comes back. The doctor has put the kids on antibiotics and about three other medicines and I've become the medicine woman in the morning and night trying to convince them to take everything--dancing around like a clown, a marrionette--whatever it takes. It takes a lot of effort to get two kids to take six different medicines twice a day let me tell you.
I think this will be a very long two weeks with Seb gone. He's going to be taking this trip about every six weeks and in between that he has other little trips. His new job sends him all over the place and we knew this when we were asked to come back to France that he'd be traveling a lot.
I started to realize just what this means yesterday when my little car wouldn't start. It's a nearly new car so it was a shock to me when it wouldn't turn over. I checked the gas guage, fine. It was pouring down rain and I was in the next town trying to get medicine from the pharmacy and had about ten minutes to get Little S at school. I freaked out and looked under the hood. I got back in and tried again. Finally it turned over, whew! I was in a real panic. I realized in that moment that I had no one to call to rescue me or Little S. I could have called a taxi of course but I had just come from our new bank where they told me I couldn't have any checks . I'd written one the day before to pay for Little S's school photos and was surprised that it was the last one. Seb travels with our one credit card* and I had, I thought no money. Later I discovered my little used instant money card in my wallet so I was lucky. I could use it in bank machines. We really are going to have to have a better money plan for when Seb travels. I am relying on checks which normally works well but in a pinch I need a backup plan. I also have to meet a mom at S's school because if I can't get him like yesterday I really need a friend as a backup if my car won't start or something happens like yesterday.
French moms are really hard to get to know. It can take years of seeing them every day before they will say hello. I definitely have to stop speaking English to Little S near the school because I think this is just making it worse. I'm going to make it a point to figure out how to accost one of these mothers!
I haven't heard a thing from my pil's. We called them on Charlotte's birthday but fil was pretty angry and all I heard from my end was Seb getting defensive--"no she didn't say that ....she was just trying to say....no papa.... no she meant..." and finally Seb just said "will you just talk to her if you have something to say!" So evidently they have a lot to say but fil refused to talk with me. I can't talk to them face to face about things so over the telephone would probably even be worse. I was hoping though that they might call while Seb was gone and offer up an olive branch. They only ever call on Sundays so they have one more Sunday left.
When I had my argument with them one of my points was that I felt very distanced from them. With Seb travelling I needed to feel I had family to count on. I'm alone in France with two kids. They are my family. Of course I just wanted a verbal assurance that they cared enough to worry about us if things go wrong. Mil turned stoney faced and said "mais vous ete une grande fille...vous avez pas besoin de nous pour gérer ta vie!" (you're a big girl...you don't need us to manage your life!). True I don't need them to come and start my car but I need them to take a loving interest in me and to be there if I did need them to come no matter how trivial. It was a great comfort to me to know that in Mexico my parents and family would have dropped everything and taken the next plane if I had any problems and needed them. I don't have that same comfort here and yet they live less than three hours away. They will come if and when it fits their vacation schedule but they would never just come spontaneously because we had a problem. I find that really difficult.
I didn't mean this to turn into a pil rant but yesterday I was really feeling the need to just have a family around just in case. Sick, sick kids, car problems, money issues-- those are the times when you just need a call from your family to assure you that if things go really wrong they'll be there. I guess I have to gérer ma vie better like a big girl but I think even big girls need a safety net, right?
* French banks charge a fortune for bank cards and if you want two you have to pay those fees twice. For the life of me I can't figure why Seb's company doesn't give him an expense account. They are a major corporation and yet he has to use his personal bank card when he travels and then get reimbursed over months. Our account is always in the red for weeks at a time because of this. This is common to nearly all French companies though, not just his. I guess they don't trust people to not abuse a corporate expense account. Isn't that nuts?
16 comments:
I feel so blessed with my in-laws, I have to say. I'm sorry your in-laws don't give you a safety net.
Oh, and reimbursing works the same way in Switzerland. Nothing like putting an international flight and hotel and meals etc on your own credit card and getting the money months later.
Ditto Jennifer on the in-laws. My father-in-law stopped by to see us yesterday afternoon and I convinced him to stay for dinner, which made it feel like a social occasion for the whole family. It is so reassuring to know you have have someone nearby who cares about you and your children. Not necessarily the way your bitchy MIL put it, as helping you manage your life, but giving you a hand in a pinch. Everyone needs a little help every so often.
If I had been stuck in the rain without any money, a car that won't start and two sick kids, I most definitely would have lost it right there. Ugly bawling would have ensued. With lots of snot.
Your in-laws should be ashamed of themselves. Their behavior is incredibly selfish and mean. I hope you meet some new friends soon. Could you try to make friends with the neighbor you mentioned in an earlier post? That might be a helpful friendship to cultivate.
I hope you are all feeling better soon. I wish I were closer.
I meant special occasion. Not sure why social came out.
I know so many expats seem to have that nice in-law relationship and it is so important. I think in particular a woman (mom) in another country really needs to have a little family nearby to count on for comfort and moral support. It's a real shame they have to be the way they are. They are missing out on so much.
Haha no crying but in panic mode when the car didn't start I was actually thinking of hitchhiking! I'm sure with Charlotte in my arms someone would have taken me to the next town to get Little S. It's amazing how resourceful the mother's mind is where her kids are concerned!
As for the neighbors they're nice but they live on another street. They have a garden plot that backs up to my kitchen so we cross paths about once a week--not often. It's true that in Th*n*n I relied on my neighbors a lot. They were like family to us and I really, really miss that. I think moving here there is a giant gaping hole that was always covered by having our wonderful neighbors there to help with Little S -- to come over and fix things, come to birthdays or just talk. I miss that!
That must have been a scary feeling, the car not starting. Since you had that problem, you should work out a list of people to call, with him, when he comes back. Being new to a community means finding a new garage guy, a new this guy, a new that guy. I am so sorry you feel isolated from your inlaws and that they have taken such a stubborn stance with you. I know from experience too that they won't give us a break for anything. I have always tried to keep a certain distance because I know that they are talking amongst themselves and with other family members and being the foreign one I am an easy target and fun to gossip about. So far it has worked (one reason we bought our own vacation house) but we'll see how things go when the baby arrives.
In a way, I am bit jealous that you have family nearby at all. Anyone i know and hold dear is either in India or America. But at the same time, I get what you mean. Sometimes, even if you are big girl, you just want someone to care for you for once. I think you geres your life pretty well, for someone who had that kind of day. You made me want to come straight over!
Lucy - a chid is a wonderful bridge in family relations but I think in some cases the bridge is made to the child and not to the parent. I would never dream of letting my problems with them interfere with S and C's relationship with them but I think you're right about the letting go for me at least. In letting go it makes it much easier, --the freedom feels good.
nwy - I think that if there's a good expat community then it's bearable not to have family. It's not ideal but it can be really close to it. In Mexico the expat women were really tightly knit and although I hadn't been there long I knew I could call on one of them if the roof fell in. They were all without family too so that community built up very naturally.
Yes, even big girls need a safety net once in a while. But you will have to be the one to create it. Like a phone list and such or making enough amends to ask for help from the in-laws.
Since I left home at 19, I have been the big girl and had nothing to rely on when it comes to family, though I know if worse came to worse my sisters would step in, but I have avoided that. I have a batch of friends for support and when the car doesn't start (sometimes happens with an old car like mine) I have a choice of whom to call, but I usually end up just doing it myself. It's panicy and frightening when it happens, but when it is looked at as history a few days later there is a spirit to that independence and self-reliance that really makes a big spark.
Trust me, I was without a job, with a mortgage, a bad economy, the money had run out and I was scared, but I pretty much knitted my own safety net and got back on my feet. Now I can jump for joy though I never want to live that again.
You can do it, but sometimes even big girls need to rant - then move on and save the world.
I have lived on my own a lot actually. I had the car from hell that I used to have to run with and then jump in to get it to go! *lol* It stalled at every other traffic light. Lots of cute French guys saved my cold butt many a snowy morning on my way to work. It got so I wouldn't even push it anymore if it stalled I'd just jump out and wait. (That car just got sent to junkyard two months ago and it was a sad day. I still love that car despite its torturing me in cold weather).
Anyway, the safety net is not something I needed as much back then as now with the kids. I've had scarier days than yesterday in the past but there's a real PANIC when you're across town, broken down and you aren't sure how you'll get there to pick up your child before school closes. I don't know how single moms with no family around do this on a regular basis. It seems impossible to me!
I have gotten lucky with the in laws, too. We have our little issues, but we can all count on each other to help out when in need. You are definitely going to have to make a friend or meet a neighbor that can help out when you're in a pinch. Help can come from unexpected places and people, so keep your eyes and ears open...someone's out there for you, you just haven't met them yet :)
and ditto for the expense account. My husband always has to charge everything on his credit card and get reimboursed the next month if we're lucky. (He's in Italy this week) His company finally opened an account at a restaurant where he takes clients to lunch, often, so at least that doesn't get charged on our card anymore.
I have a so so relationship with my in-laws. More precisely my MIL. My FIL is a little wiser and a little less judgemental. We don't see them very often, they live halfway across France. I am a little worried about the day that we do have kids, I am not sure how our relationship will change then, although I am sure that it will change!
As for the bank cards, my husbands work set up a situation where he has a separate card for his work expenses that is attached to our accout. But the work expenses are debited from the account 2 months after the fact, so he has the time to get paid back from his work, before we pay1
Ashley funny you wrote that because it just occurred to me today in writing this and reading what others wrote that maybe we can secure a credit card for his work related expenses. He could submit the card's rates and fees as an expense too. Like you said at least the money wouldn't be deducted from our CB account right away.
Of course you know we'd be the only people in France with an actual credit card, *ahem*
your pil's sound like such work. for the life of me, i can't see why there's any benefit to them to treat you as an adversary. my sons are 25 and 27, and i have vowed that any girl they choose i will treat with warmth, openness and assistance as wanted. you so deserve this, and it's really their loss in the long run. but for now, you must with a cool eye survey your possibilities and put together a workable life. you've had the proverbial wake-up call, and you are a MOTHER who will do whatever it takes. i would befriend you in an instant. i imagine there are many people in your town who would also be enriched and delighted to know you!
I grew up in Belgium with my sister and parents as an expat. The day we moved into our house I was 5 and my sister was 7) my Dad had to go away on a business trip for three weeks, leaving my mum, who spoke no french or flemish to manage. She tells us that she stood in this big house with no car, no friends and no family and two little children and felt so isolated! She didn't know anyone or how to find a milkman or shops. Blimey I look back and think how brave she was! It all came together, my dad still had to travel a lot but as time passed we made some really good friends and I think she looks back at it as one of the best times in her life. I certainly do.
PS your in-laws sound miserable, think of what they are missing out on in spending more time with you and their grandchildren!
Jadie - That is my vow too. I will make my kids spouses feel like they're mine, particularly the daughter in law because a mom-daughter relationship is so important no matter if you're an in law, blood relation or stepchild. Why is it so hard for people to understand that one simple thing? Thanks for your comment--very sweet.
Cw - great story--thank you for sharing that. Your mom was brave not knowing the language and doing that. Wow.
Out of interest do you 'tu' or 'vous' the outlaws ?
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