I had forgotten something last time my in laws were here. I forgot that they had seen the house the weekend after we first signed on it and that they had seen it in all it's glory, piled with furniture and buried in grime. I completely forgot that until well into their visit last week and it was probably a good thing. Mother in laws sour face and folded arms, her reaction to the kitchen and the plaster job on the walls and father in laws refusal to even leave the living room would have caused the explosion to happen a lot earlier. It was long in coming.
But back to the house. We have carried this house from looking like a dingy thrift store in a bad part of town to a near palace in comparison to what it was. Since they last saw the house we removed all of the flower wallpaper, replastered the front bedroom, nearly removed all of the green latex paint from the fireplace, thrown out massive amounts of broken furniture dusty curtains and piles of garbage, cleaned the floors everywhere with a toothbrush, polished all of the windows, sanded and oiled all of the dining room furniture , and of course the kitchen is a complete transformation if you saw the before. Bref, you could not have seen the before and then see the after without comment unless you were blind, crazy or my in-laws. I let it slide and said goodbye to Little S.
I am not proud of exploding at my in-laws on Saturday and I really hate confrontations but what I hate even more is keeping things bottled up. I have been finding it hard to be around them and have all this verbal muck piling up in my throat. So many little incidents and then a big one. I should not have lost my temper because I know that there are people who don't see themselves and the way they are. They can't stand back and put themselves in another person's shoes for a minute because their perspective is the only perspective--the right perspective. I'm tired of being surrounded by close minded people and I had to push the cover off the manhole and let a little light and fresh air into the relationship. If the relationship is broken I am willing to deal with that because the way it was going my relations with them were becoming impossible.
I don't really want to rehash the details of the breaking point but it had to do with the birthday of Little S. Poor Little S who had planned a Saturday birthday in the yard of the new house and had to have his birthday party plans changed three times to accommodate others, only to have it completely canceled in the end. I explained to him that next year he could have a birthday party with friends because he would know more people at school but I know he was disappointed because we'd talked about it for so long--since leaving Mexico. He really wanted his cousins there. This is why I was livid to see that they had thrown their own birthday party for him at his aunt's house on Wednesday with presents and a cake and candles. And I found this out because they showed me the picture of him blowing out candles with his cousins and had framed the photo as if it were his real birthday. I was livid and everything fell apart, and all the anger came spilling out. I tried to keep my cool but when something affects my family I can't keep my anger bottled it's like a volcano.
Little S still thinks the birthday was a second celebration of his cousins birthday, normal since we'd been there three weeks before to celebrate it. He was pretty confused about the whole thing which isn't surprising.
Mother-in-law screamed a lot at me and told me what she thought of me, stuff going way back. She told me I forgot her birthday all too often and mother's day and I could not make her understand that I was not talking about us --grown-ups and big people, I was talking about them...the children.
It was an awful day. I find talking to my in laws like talking to a brick wall with a very small hole. They let a little bit of what I say trickle through the hole and then the rest is all blocked by the wall. It is so incredibly hard to reason with them. I only lost my temper for five minutes but the rest was all trying to get them to understand that I felt left out of their world. They couldn't see that it was not okay to hold birthdays for my kids several weeks later without us because it's inconvenient to come for the real birthday party. That it wasn't okay to take your own version of the birthday photos and stick them on the wall. The only thing trickling through the hole in the wall was "the difficult american daughter in law who's ungrateful for us spoiling our grandchild..." or as mother in law mentioned "in my day we didn't even celebrate birthdays"
We left things civil and ate our lunch. My in-laws were stiffer than ever as we kissed goodbye. I had the feeling that instead of trying to crash through the barrier of my icy relations with them I had only built another wall, higher and stronger than the other. It was an awful feeling.
14 comments:
I am so sorry Christine. That sounds awful, but at least you stuck up for yourself. You can't let them walk all over you just because they are your in-laws. Did your husband say anything?
He has often told me I need to tell them when things make me angry and I've never done it. His family just argues so much it seems weird to me but that is cultural. It's very French to argue, argue, argue and over discuss everything. I think as Americans we see arguments as explosions whereas the French see it as I don't know more like dinner table fodder.
But I didn't see where the argument got me any closer to having them understand things. It just went in circles. I guess that's also cultural because I think Americans argue to reach a conclusion or make a point and the French tend to argue to bring a point to the table with no need to conclude things. Frustrating!
I know this feeling oh so well ; I don’t know if it’s a French in-law thing or just an in-law thing as I’ve only ever had the French version.
Husband and I have been together for 18 years and I know I am far from the daughter in-law that they would have wanted for their son. He comes from a rich bourgeois family, appearance matters. I come from a working class ‘military’ family. We went camping in Scotland they went to Club Med. I call it the style over substance.
Luckily husband survived and we totally agree on everything and our way of dealing with them is to laugh at their banal, stupidity. The funny thing these are intelligent people (all the outlaws are doctors) but their narrow viewed perspective on life is astounding. Perhaps it’s because they’ve only mixed in the small bourgeois circles for the past 60+ years on their small provincial town. How knows !
I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs and not once in those 18 years have I said what I really think. This is made so much easier because there are 800 kms separating us. If I were to say what I really thought sometimes I’d probably be sick for days. So kudos to you for standing up for yourself.
The birthday thing is normal if that helps. Leon’s will be 10 on the 11th November, so every year he has a birthday party (yes with the cousins) before hand as he is with them during the Toussaint holiday. His first party will be on Wednesday before he comes back to Paris to Mummy and Papa. Your son sounds way more sensitive than Leon as this hasn’t been a problem for him. Maybe they need to explain that it’s just an extra party, because he is extra special little boy.
At the end of the day I know my in-laws love their son and grandson, not so sure about me :) and do what they think is best, it’s just that I don’t always agree with them.
God I am so lucky not to have French in-laws! My sister-in-law can be hard to get along with but my father-in-law is a sweetheart (a lot like my husband - although the two of them have their own special issues that I keep out of) and my mother-in-law died before I met my husband. So my in-laws are pretty innocuous and I have been able to avoid ever arguing with my sister-in-law by refusing to discuss certain things. The extended family is very large and very opinionated but they would never ever ever overstep certain boundaries with me. Also, I think they like me, so that makes it easier.
Italians like to argue but I don't think they are as judgmental as the French. Your in-laws sound terribly quick to judge and incapable of understanding another point of view (which you said in your post) so I can't imagine that makes it any easier to get along with them.
The saddest part of your post was how you experience your foreign-ness as a weakness in your relationship with them, that by not being French your in-laws might not see you as someone who is as good as a Frenchwoman. That is awful!
At least your husband is on your side.
Oh Pauline you are probably wise to remain stoic with the in-laws! I don't feel all that great about my shouting match with mother in law.
Little S didn't mind the party at all. He probably really enjoyed it. He had no idea it was his birthday though. I on the other hand knew that they gave some very lame excuses for not coming to his party last month and that's what burned me up so much. Lame excuses like "my back is too bad for the trip" and like sil who said she had to work that weekend but who got caught in her lie when Seb called and she was home on the computer (MSN gave her away!) Mil's back was much better a month later when she wanted to come and get Little S last week so her excuse was really weak and they left it to the last minute too so he was really sad when no one came!
We live just 2.5 hours from them so we have been going to all the family events these last months but no one seems to want to come here because it's too far. We have been commuting for family events for years! That's all finished though.
I just think birthdays should be celebrated once and if the people can't come they should mail gifts and send cards. It's not the same to celebrate it a month later. When my family sends gifts from the US I get S on MSN and I let them see him open it or else I take pictures. It's a way for them to participate. We've had one American birthday for him because we were in the states last year in October on his birthday but this year we wouldn't have dreamed of doing an early party or anything. There is so much anticipation for kids up to that day and I find that very magical--like anything special it has to have its moment and then be over with otherwise it isn't special. Anyway I could have forgiven them in their misguided celebration if they hadn't canceled so lamely on the original celebration.
J - Strangely I think fil without mil would be much warmer. He tried to get her to stop her bantering at me but she wouldn't/couldn't be stopped! I guess both us women had lots on our minds and a lot to get off our chests.
Poor you, I can relate with you so much when it comes to this. I, too, lost my temper with my French MIL for similar reason to yours, this was five years ago and things haven't approved only got worse. My FIL has become more cantankerous than ever, even with my husband, which is really hard for him.
It seems to me, that I gave them the bait they were looking for and I have been made to feel the guilty one, and I feel completely alienated from his family and guilty for the breakdown in relations between Alain and his father. They do live 1200 kms from us which I'm grateful for!
Take Care,
Maria
Although hubby and I don't have kids yet (and therefore haven't yet had to deal with the overbearing grandparent figure) I do know what you're going through concerning building (or not?) a relationship with the PIL.
Hubby is an only child. His parents are obsessed with him. He's always been their sole reason to live. When they see him they make such a fuss about him, they touch his arm and hug and kiss him you'd think he's just come back from war. Sometimes it's even embarrassing to watch. Although Hubby is a pretty independent guy, when I met him he just felt it was easier to let them have their way rather than have to argue with them.
The complete opposite to me. I come from a big family (5 siblings) each one with such different and strong views. Confrontation comes to us naturally. Hubby got a glimpse of that when he met my family and he soon realized you can disagree with someone and still love them. This changed a great deal in how his relationship with his parents evolved after meeting me. He wouldn't be afraid to tell them he couldn't talk to them over the phone, or couldn't come over when they wanted him to.
Needless to say, they weren't exactly happy when he told them we were getting married. I wasn't present during the conversation but hubby honestly related every single word that was said afterwards and their disapproval was apparent. And yet towards me they continued to smile and hug me and act like they were ecstatic we were getting married.
I couldn't take the double-standard and hypocrisy too long. I decided I needed to act like an adult with them in order to get them to act like adults with me. Whenever they said or did something that I didn't agree with (a political view, a judgmental comment on someone else, an inquisitive question I didn't feel like answering) I would let them know. I wouldn't be mean or insulting but I would be firm and confident. I remember telling my FIL it was none of his business how much I or Hubby earned, I remember telling my MIL that no, she couldn't come visit hubby the day before I took him on a surprise getaway weekend because that would give away the surprise, I remember telling my FIL that if he didn't want to come to our wedding because we weren't getting married in a church as he wanted us to, that was his decision, not ours and it would be sad but the wedding would go on without him (he did come and had a ball). I remember telling my MIL that no, I didn’t call my mom on the phone every day and I didn’t expected my husband needed to either. I remember telling my PIL we chose to buy our apartment in the neighbourhood we did because first and foremost it had to suit us (not them) and thanks but no, we didn't want their opinion on the place before we bought it.
You might think this weird, but 7 years later, my relationship with them has never been better. They know where the limits are on invading our privacy and when they overstep these boundaries we let them know. And I think deep down the appreciate it.
In time I've learned to love them, even with all their little quirks that still get to me and drive me nuts (FIL's impatience, MIL's "angoisses") as I know that they also have come to love me (for real this time) even with all the little things I do that bug them. And I think that this is because we're able to be ourselves with each other now.
I realize this doesn't help you with your own PIL situation but I wanted to let you know that it is possible to turn around a difficult relationship situation with the in-laws... it takes time and patience, but it is possible.
Courage madame! :)
Fned.
I am sorry for the stress this has caused you. My MIL may be from the same country but our relationship sounds very similar to yours.
I have accepted the snide comments about me, my family, and how Hubby and I raise our children. Two weeks ago was the last straw when she came to visit for the first time in six months. Hubby has been pissed about some things she has recently said about me, but I was trying to encourage him to keep trying with her.
Upon arriving, she wanted to babysit and have time with the kids. So, Hubby and I went to run errands and go to dinner. We asked her to watch how much sugar she gave both kids, but especially my son (age 4), and we asked her to abide by our request that if the children did not nap then they go to bed by 7:30.
She allowed my son to eat two large cupcakes, an oversized cookie, and ice cream. She told the kids to lie to us about going to bed, and then later told us that she put them to bed after 8:30 and there was no nap. Guess who was a screaming, exhausted mess the next morning? While I held my tongue until she left, she knew I was angry. What she doesn't understand is that she only hurt herself as Hubby and I agree that she will not be left alone with the kids again.
I understand how frustrated you must feel and hope you can find a way to resolve it so you feel better about it. Notice, I didn't say resolve it with the in-laws - you can't change them; that's up to them.
I know that I must at some moment have confronted her. Ten years is a long time to hold it all in.
I do hope that I didn't damage relations permanently but there is no way I can continue things like they are. What was tolerable, supportable and possible for me is not the same as tolerable, supportable and possible for my kids. I am seeing this now as their world collides with not just mine but my children and MY family.
It's good to hear that you earned mil's respect by standing up to her/them. I believe I should have done this much earlier. Unfortunately I don't think people are willing/able to change after a certain age so is she really going to learn to accept me and all that comes with me. Can they open their minds and hearts after so long and begin to understand? Like hexe says it's up to them to change.
I have this same strained realtionship with my MIL. It is kind of like tension/anger unspoken. My husband has always insisted I tell her what is on my mind but I know she is his mother so I refrain. I always think one day it is going to come out of me like a massive explosion!! I perfectly see your reasoning of not having a second party a month later. Makes no sense to me. Mayeb it is the generation or cultural gap, but I totally get it.
A couple of comments - the arguing as you describe is definitely a French thing, all my French friends do it and at times it's kind of refreshing that you can argue and it's no big deal. In the US, everyone's afraid to argue, which tends to leave a lot of things unsaid which maybe should be said.
As for in-laws, I'm a strong believer that no matter how long you're with someone, the child/sibling needs to be the one to step in and say something, not leave it to the spouse. It puts the spouse in a difficult situation. I don't mean the spouse shouldn't say anything at all, just that the one who's directly related to the problem-causer carries more weight. I have a SIL who I think is wonderful, and with whom my sister long ago declared war for no apparent reason. My brother and SIL have always just taken the high road and done nothing, but recently it came to a head and *finally* my brother stepped up and told my sister off for her behaviour. I'm not sure how much good it did, but I can guarantee if my SIL had been the one to say anything, she would have come off the bad guy. I think having the one directly related step in shows support for the spouse when the in-laws are difficult.
Everyone else has already said it all. I just wanted to add that your description of a wall with a tiny hole was spot on and that you have my full sympathy with frustrating in-laws!
hugs xxxxx
Every once in awhile, my mil brings up my husband's ex girl friend...how they should have gotten married, but were too young, etc, how SHE(the ex) is raising her son to be a perfect little french man...that's easy she's french and I'm not...It's like my mil doesn't think hashing and rehashing the what ifs would bother me. argh
Your mother in law sounds like my fil. I have realized in the past couple of years to let go and stop trying to break through because there's nothing he likes better than to provoke and watch the outcome. With the children it must be very hard. Alienating you will alienate the children in the long run. Stick to your guns, Chris. Be firm about not letting them steamroll over you. I bet they know you are proud of the work you have accomplished at the house, which is precisely why they pretend not to see it. I know that feeling well.
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