Is sucks

Last night I was really, really tired and I just fell exhausted in my bed. I'd painted doors most of the morning. The three panel doors in our house are a bitch to paint and they take three coats. I'm on the third of seven doors. The job seems...not wait IS endless. I only have to do one side. I'm leaving the other side rustic like I talked about in a post way back when renovating was my part time job instead of my FT overtime job. It looks good that way plus saves time and lord knows I need it. In the afternoon I'd promised to babysit for my neighbors new baby and I stayed at her house until after six, partly because I think I didn't want to go back home and face Hell House.

Okay well Hell House is starting to come together but still it's not exactly a haven of comfort and respite.

Tomorrow the movers come to evaluate our things, just an evaluation, and later in the day the real estate agent comes to tell us how much we can rent the house for. It's starting to feel like the end of things here. The mover coming doesn't freak me out but the estate agent does. I would give anything not to have to rent my house and just the idea of having her poke around evaluating things and the idea of people coming to see my house in a few weeks is so weird. Seb can very easily think about the money in a case like this but I have a hard time doing it. The other day my neighbors were over and they started joking that they'd have to approve our new tenants too so they'd be sure and get along with them. I felt awful. It never occurred to me until then that the new renters would not only have my house but also have my little circle of friends.

The disconnecting part is hard. I know once you're gone and over on the other side everything gets pushed back in your mind but for now it's right there pulsing in my throat.

Little S's teacher wrote in his evaluation that he would need an aide next year in cp (first grade) and I was really surprised and upset. She knows we're leaving and I think this is just her fears showing but it really threw me for a loop. She's never said that in the past or she's always just said "we'll see how he does" but now this is her telling us that without help he'll fail next year. I like his teacher but she is a bit small minded and you can hear the shock in her voice when we talk to her about S's new school. She thinks we're taking him down a river with a bunch of rice paddies on each side. His new school seems really nice and just as normal as his school here. I can't help but be worried though after reading that. After all we've been through with him this year--two psychiatrists, a school psychologist, a play therapist and an orthophonist evaluation and no real problems to pinpoint I was hoping for the best for next year. The bottom line is that I just don't want him to be unhappy. Of course that's why her note scares me because I don't want him to feel inferior to everyone else. I don't really care about his level as long as he's happy at school and home.

We aren't upset about leaving so I hope the tone of these posts don't sound depressed or overly anxious. I just wanted to write down all these feelings and the start of our big adventure even if it is SUCKS (as Seb says--I still laugh when he says that and he still says it--one of his cute errors of speech like "open me the door"). No we're really excited about leaving. The thing is there is no joy yet because we're so bogged down with details. The joy comes when we get on the plane with the cat (another worry!) and the kids. That's when we can start looking forward. For now looking forward is just another annoying detail in the long, long list.

I think I have some doors to paint and some plaster to mix. I'd better get back to work. Sorry if I owe you phone calls or e mails or whatnot. Life should eventually return to normal.